Star Wars: Episode II - Attack Of The Clones
Dir: George Lucas
Cert: PG
Running time: 143mins
"Oh Amidala, you're so soft... so smooth." And if you use Herbal Essence body wash for just 3 weeks, you could be too. FUCKING CHEESY! There was less chemistry between Anakin and Amidala than a ninth grade science class. The main focus of this movie, next to the construction and use of the clone army, is the blossoming romance between Anakin and Amidala which inevitably sets the stage for everything we've come to know of the main characters in the saga. This is laid to rest quickly by the overload of action thrust into play to make this movie seem like more than just the transitional segment when, that's all it really is. It's not the beginning, it's not the end, it's the in-between and that would have been fine with die-hard Star Wars fans if that's the way it was presented. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of the importance of the clone army and war but to bury the character development because the only thing a load of drooling automatons want to see is tantalizing, eye candy action, is ridiculous! Granted, yes, we already know who the characters become but c'mon Lucas - we see each other after 10 years, we fall madly in love in the period of a couple of days, and now we're married. Don't be so stiff man, give us a little more substance!
Speaking of action brings my attention to something else as well. What the fuck is going on with the whole Jedi bombardment, 'Gladiator' like, arena scene. I love the Jedi and light saber just as much as the next fan but only because of its novelty. Its novelty is as follows - the ultimate showdown between Jedi master or apprentice and Dark side master or apprentice. God, how quickly it loses its luster when a bunch of bad-asses are simultaneously swinging their sabers at a gang of robots. Sure, it's part of the story and all but, in my opinion, Lucas could have presented this sequence with much more personality and panache. This is pretty much how it all rolled out in my eyes - laser, laser, light saber, laser, light saber. Hey look, that one's green. Oooh, that one's purple. Neat handles. That Jedi's pretty weird looking, so is that one... OH FUCK! Something just got played out and it isn't the latest teeny bopper fashion fad.
So now we come full circle to the worst part of this movie... Yoda. This ultimate, cheesy fight scene goes down where Yoda miraculously turns into Keri Strugg on crack right after striking a signature 'Matrix' like karate pose with 'The Rock' cocked eyebrows. My opinion - just another attempt to bone-up something very familiar of earlier films to appeal to today's generation because, "Gee! Wouldn't that be awesome dude if Yoda kicked ass with a light saber, huh huh!" Even I'll admit, I was very interested to see how that would crackdown but after witnessing it, I wished the idea had never even been conceived. Just make Yoda stick to what he does best, giving wise-man advice as he talks ass backwards and levitating large objects with his mind. You know what, Lucas even managed to ruin that because who the fuck wants to see horribly apparent CGI levitating more horribly apparent CGI, besides a 5 year old rug rat with snot dripping from his nose and M&Ms melting in the palm of his hand. Not me! As a longtime Star Wars fan, I'd much rather see Yoda as a puppet than overly computer generated. That's the way he should be, the way he was introduced.
There was a lot of criticism thrown at Lucas for not having enough action in Episode I and, from what I've read, he took to heart the lashings of the fans. That is why I think
Attack Of The Clones was spoiled, because he tried to make up for aspects lacking in The Phantom Menace. Personally, I think Episode I is a great film and a big FUCK YOU to all that think it sucks. It was exactly what it was supposed to be - the beginning of the saga with more substance than action. "But Jar Jar sucked, he ruined the whole movie!" Wah wah! Cry me a river you bitches! He only ruined it if you let him ruin it. Just ignore the fucking mutt and focus on what matters. Come to realise, the only parts of Attack Of The Clones that I fully enjoyed were: the beginning of the film when Anakin and Obi-Wan are protecting Amidala; the events of Obi-Wan's trip to Kamino where him and Jango Fett battle; and the very end when Episode II came to its conclusion.
I do not claim to be in any way, shape or form some 'all-knowing' Star Wars expert. I am just a simple fan who sees what he sees and I saw major overkill to appease the masses. Anyway, I suppose this movie would have been pretty swell if it didn't belong to a saga, but, holding its own against the other epics, it licked hairy beanbags. So that's my opinion, goodbye, and may the force be better next time.
View the Star Wars: Episode II - Attack Of The Clones trailer
