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Tuesday, 2 April, 2002 @ 1.03am GMT
Posted by Bodie
Blade II
Blade II
Dir: Guillermo Del Toro
Cert: 18
Running time: 115mins

1998's first Blade movie starred Wesley Snipes and was directed by former special effects wiz Steven Norrington. Four years later, and Wes is back in the title role, but with Norrington prepping for an adaptation of Alan Moore's League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, up steps Del Toro.

Del Toro's a cool customer. He knows vampire horror (check out first movie Cronos, co-starring Ron Perlman), he's mixed with the studios before (1997's patchy Mimic, with Norman Reedus), and he can do classy ghost stories (last year's The Devil's Backbone). Plus he knows his comics (and is readying himself to adapt Hellboy for the big screen, again using Perlman, this time in the title role).

As Snipes has said himself in interviews, this is the first time that anyone has wanted to see a sequel to a Wesley Snipes movie. Does it come off? Oh yeah...

Blade II The title sequence brings us up to speed. If you didn't see the first one, no matter, cos we get a brief rundown of the situation to date. Snipes is Blade, a mutant vampire, who's dedicated himself to wiping the Nosferatu from the earth. He's got all their strengths, but none of their weaknesses (sunlight, silver, garlic) except the thirst for blood, which he holds in check with a serum devised by his mentor/father figure/armourer Whistler, played by Kris Kristofferson at his most gravelly.

We're reminded that at the end of the first movie, Blade's defeated vampire nemesis Deacon Frost, but in the process Whistler is lost, feared dead. But Blade's now learned the vamps have got Whistler, and are using him as bait to lure Blade close. Blade has tracked them across the globe to Prague, when the action kicks in.

Here's the plot: the vampires offer Blade a truce, because they've got a problem. There's another mutant strain in town, animalistic vampires called Reapers, who feed on vampire blood. The Reapers (led by 80s kiddie heartthrob Luke Goss, and surprisingly good he is too) threaten to devour the vampire race, so they've turned to their hunter for help. So Blade, new sidekick Scud (Reedus) and Whistler (his reappearance is explained in a fashion logical enough for a vampire action movie) are teamed up with the Bloodpack, a vampire ninja hit-squad who've been training to take Blade down first chance they get. Led by Reinhart (Perlman reprising his Alien: Resurrection attitude), the Pack also includes fight choreographer Donnie Yen, Danny John-Jules from Red Dwarf, and potential love-interest Nyssa (Leonor Valera) among others.

Blade II That's about as much plot as you need to know. Cue almost two hours of wall-to-wall action, punctuated by the occasional plot twist and double-cross, and sparky dialogue, especially from seasoned profanity merchants Kristofferson and Perlman.

The good stuff first. Snipes is on top form here. The Blade character drops the anguish and self-pity from the earlier film, and has loosened up somewhat. The sub-plot about becoming resistant to his serum is also dropped, replaced by asskicking attitude without resorting to Freddie Krueger/Arnie payoff lines with each kill.

The action throughout is exciting and astonishingly well choreographed and edited. It's a mix between Hong Kong wirework, full-out CG animation, Matrix-y bullet time and good old fashioned gunplay and martial arts. Some of the CG stuff sticks out, but seeing as the entire film is fantasy (unless you're one of the last six Lost Boys fans out there who thinks vampires are a real threat to our planet's youth), it's not exactly unrealistic.

Blade II An attempt's been made to make this movie a continuation, rather than a rehash of the first film. This is a sequel that's a proper sequel, not a second stab at the same material, and a genuine improvement on the original.

Bad stuff: the plot's a little creaky in places, and like the first film, the final showdown is lacking a little. Also the Bloodpack is not given quite enough time to work. We are introduced to the characters only to have some killed off almost instantly. However, these are relatively small points weighed against the bulk of the movie.

Series screenwriter David S. Goyer is working on a third installment, apparently to be directed by himself. Snipes is ready and willing, and with the movie making back its costs in the first two weekends in the States, we can expect to see Blade III out in a couple of years.

View the Blade II trailer

Sunday, 31 March, 2002 @ 9.00pm GMT
Posted by Floorgasm
Ali G's ten-point plan for a better London...

Ali G

DRUGS

Any one who no London know dat dere iz a massive drug problem dat affecks nuff of de yoot. It iz almost impossible to get hold of good kwality skunk at reasonable prices. But a short trip out to Barkshire and de borough of Spelthorne (take de Tube to Uxbridge and den de 78 bus to Egham) and I will meet u outside de KFC next to de Baker's Oven wiv de solushun (12 for an 1/8th).

NHS

Everyone know dat da National Healf Servis or de BHS az it iz nown iz in a terrible mess at da moment. Me heard recently dat 10% of nurses works part time az lap dancaz - dis figure iz far too low - da policy of hemployin mingaz haz got 2 stop. Da last fing u need if u iz sick and in hospital iz some fat woman wiv a beard rubbin your ballz wiv a sponge innit?
It aint no wonder dat waitin lists iz so low and ospitalz iz closin cos no one wants 2 go to dem. 2 sort it all out me wood have public galleriez in ospitalz and raise money by sellin tickets to watch hoperations. Personaly, me wood pay at least 15 squid 4 a good seat in da maternity ward. Plus for an extra 20 squidz u shood be able to have a go at breastfeedin. Plus me would encourage henterprise. Skoolz haz tuck shops - why not have dem in ospitalz to sell off all da drugz dat aint needed?

PROSTITUTION

Dere ain't no denyin dat prostitution causez a lot of misery 2 a lot of lives - if it says 'genuine photo' on a card it should mean it. It iz devastatin for a man to turn up to discover dat a suppozed honey who iz ment 2 have 44dd babylonz iz a 20 stone granny wiv no teef. Also why cant we give slagz some dignity and respeck, like dey do in de country of Amsterdam by stickin dem in shop windowz in dere nicks. If prossies teamed up wiv Marx & Spencerz dis might give both dere bizinesses a welcome boost innit.

TRANSPORT

De tubes aint just sumfin dat me Julie has trouble wiv once a mumf, it iz also a type of train dat iz rubbish and dont work. People iz alwayz bangin on about how slow it iz but dat aint no surprize if it go under de ground where dere iz loads of mud in de way. It dont take a geenius to realize dat if dey put it above de ground it wood go much faster wivout having to dig thru all dat cack all de time.
Plus when u iz hactually on de tube dere aint nuffin to keep u entertained, unless it iz well crowded and you can rub your beast up against fit honeyz wivout dem realizin. Dat iz why dey should pump some tunez into de carrige dat everyone could appreciate, like some jungle or speed garage. Wiv dat in mind me iz alwayz well foughtful and turn me walkman up to de max so dat de rest of de passengaz can also enjoy Jungle Madness Sounds Of De Underground 3.
To me it also seem well stoopid dat u haz to wait for de tube for so long, when u get it it dont take u hexactly where u wanna go plus u haz to share it wiv loadza strangaz. Dat iz why me haz come up wiv de solushun of givin everyone dere own personal tube. It would be about de size of a car, carry only four or five people it wood uze de existin road network and you could drive it hexactly to wear u wanted 2 go. Dis way u could hencourage peeple not to take dere cars everywhere.

THE POLICE

Many peeple critisize de flange, de fuzzy muff, de babylon hedz for bein rubbish, nevver solvin any crimez, lookin like bell endz, walkin funny, wearin rubbish cloves, nevver catchin any criminalz, and generally not givin a toss about crime, but me personally iz well happy dat we have de most rubbishest police in de world. Me fink de hole idea of police iz racialist. U should let criminalz do dere business, it iz dere job innit. Dey dont arrest teechers for doin dere jobz, well apart from Mr Solanki, but him made us play crab football in de nude. By arrestin dem u iz makin gangstaz feel like criminalz.
Dis iz one area where me hagree wiv Dr Livingstone - dere aint nuf vizible policin. Me wood hactually go a lot furver dan him and have every single coppa out of carz and walkin de street wearin bright Day-glo uniformz. Dis wood mean u cood see dem a mile off. How many perfectly commitable crimez haz been ruined right at de last minit coz someone u thought woz just a geeza dressed as a bell end iz hactually a member of de fuzzy muff? Plus de sirenz dey use is well out of date, dere hole vibe iz very techno, dey shood change dem to sumfin more drum 'n' bass, dat way dey wood get more respeck from de criminalz when dey come to arrest dem.

HOUSING

Da lack of ousin in London iz a scandle, but even worse iz da fact dat no one, cept 4 me, iz seen da hobvious solution. Dere iz a hole borough, full of ouses, dat no one hactually lives in. I iz, of course, talkin about Walford. Da omeless wood be only 2 glad to share a house wiv a Eastenda (apart from da froot seller wiv da aidz, hobviously).

EDUCATION

Politicianz iz alwayz bangin on about reducin class sizes, but dem never do it - me definitely wood. By allowin kidz to bunk off, me reckon i could get dem down to az low az 0. Me would also teach fingz dat elps kidz get a job, like how 2 fill in a dole form properly.

GUNS

Any bell end can see de sitchooashun wiv guns iz gettin well out of hand. Now, not a day pass in Langley village wivout de sound of gunshots ringing out. Sure dere is a clay pigeon shooting school dere, but de point is true. Only last week in a chilling echo of de murder of Notorious B.I.G., me own guinea pig, Biggie, was gunned down by me mate Dave wiv an air pistol. He woz aimin at me neighbour's cat but woz a bit mashed, so now Biggie iz joinin Tupac in dat big South Central in de sky. Me dedicate de film to him, he will be missed.

PEDESTRIANISATION

Pedestrianz iz hobviously a problem at da moment, but da last fing people should do iz become hysterical and start attackin dem. Dat iz when mistakes appen, like when dem idiotz attacked dat kiddy doctor in Portsmuff about a year ago.

CYCLISTS

Many peeple fink dat cyclez iz just for gaylordz, but dat aint true. Cyclin iz one of de most economical wayz of travellin round. It iz very inhexpensive to pick up a new bike - all u need is a good pair of bolt cutterz or a half an hour to work out de combination on a padlock. Most lockz iz only got four numberz so dere iz only eight possible combinashuns dat it cood be.
Dr Livingstone haz also promised to hinclude more cycle lanez in London which iz a hexcellent policy coz dey iz well convenient places to park your car if u iz in a hurry.

Monday, 25 March, 2002 @ 7.52pm PST
Posted by Violently
GODDAMMIT MELISSA, PUT YOUR MOTHER IN A HOME!

<Sick_Boy> "Ohhhhhhhhhhh ohhhhheehehooooooooooo"
<Sick_Boy> I hate that fucking sound she makes
<Sick_Boy> fucking whore

I hate you Joan. I do. Your grating voice, bitchy comments, and overall crackwhore demeanor drives me apeshit. I would like to beat you upside your plastic head with your microphone.

As I watched the pre-Oscar media fest, Joan Rivers proceeded to insult several celebrities and then closed her broadcast by telling her daughter, while still on camera, that she didn't give a shit about any of the drug-riddled prostitutes (referring to all the actors and actresses), and that it was time to get a burger.

Why anyone allows Joan to be on TV, let alone the Oscars is beyond me. The woman obviously has no control over herself and is rapidly going senile. She makes comments that make even the most cynical people (i.e., myself) say "what the fuck?" At one point she called a celebrity that tried to shake her hand an idiot. I'm sorry, you don't call someone an idiot for having manners. Joan, wipe that shiteating grin off your face and go back to the nursing home. You're past your prime, and overall, your antics belong on the Venice strip with the crack addicts. You are no longer amusing, and Melissa? Save yourself some dignity and put her away where she belongs. She's only embarrassing you too.

I would like to take this moment to point out the uncanny resemblance between Joan and the Cryptkeeper:

Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers
Cryptkeeper
Cryptkeeper

There was no point to that, but I think it's funny.

Anyhow, my point is that Joan Rivers is retarded and I will no longer attempt to watch the Oscars until she is dead, which incidentally will probably never happen because Satan is afraid of her. Thank you.

Wednesday, 20 March, 2002 @ 9.08pm GMT
Posted by Floorgasm
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