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Wednesday, 14 August, 2002 @ 11.59pm GMT
Posted by Aneurin
24 Countdown - 10pm

Not long to go now, 24 fans. What will we do when this series has finished? I dread to think. So, what happened after Jack was freed by the Drazens? Well, he is directed to a car and instructed to go to Senator Palmer's hotel and have him release the Drazen bank accounts. He is then to kill Palmer, or Kim - who is being held by the Drazens - will die.

Jack receives another stupid task from the Drazens
Jack receives another stupid task from the Drazens

Meanwhile, Palmer is still flirting with Patty the aide, and indeed, he seems quite taken with her, even offering her the key to his room. Has he lost his mind? It's a hell of a time to risk losing the Presidential nomination.

Don't do it Senator! It's a trap!
Don't do it Senator! It's a trap!

While all this is going on, the Drazens, with Kim, have relocated to a new hideout, a dockyard warehouse of the kind so beloved of action movie finales. Victor is taken to his son Alexis, who has been brought from the trade with Jack, but he promptly dies, so that was a waste of time.

The Drazen boys get together for a final chinwag
The Drazen boys get together for a final chinwag

At CTU, Tony Almeida finds out that the underground prison maps were altered a few weeks earlier, which explains the ease the Drazens had in escaping the area earlier. But altered by who? George Mason, that's who. Could Mason be the second dirty agent? To be honest, I couldn't care less if he was, as long as he keeps delivering lines like this to Nina: "Listen, I need your help. Teri Bauer's a basket-case." Mason then tells her to calm Teri down, and Nina does just that by telling Teri that her daughter has been taken hostage. Nice one, Nina.

"Teri Bauer's a basket-case"
"Teri Bauer's a basket-case"

Palmer has by now been warned that Jack is on his way and that he's probably been ordered to kill him, but Palmer decides to trust Jack and see him anyway. Immediately after this, Patty arrives for her 'liaison' with the Senator, but just as he looks likely to pounce, he suddenly fires her! You can't help but cheer for the Senator as he sees through his wife's plot to entrap him and confronts Sherry directly. Just as you think Palmer has finally wised up, however, you realise that he has let Jack Bauer come to speak to him. Jack explains the Drazens demands, but Palmer tells him they are a ruse as the money is long gone. Even so, he answers the phone anyway, and at the last second Jack realises what is going on and throws the phone out of the window just as it explodes! Now, come on, you've got to love any show that has exploding phones in it, haven't you?

Hello? Hello? What's that ticking noise?
Hello? Hello? What's that ticking noise?

In the aftermath of the explosion, Jack convinces Palmer to pretend to have been killed in the blast in order to fool the Drazens and keep Kim alive. The Drazens soon phone back (on what phone, I have no idea) and order Jack to go to the docks. As Jack is on his way, Teri phones him and suddenly announces that she's pregnant, as if Jack needed more pressure right now. "I've been waiting for the right time to say this..." she says. Trust me Teri, this is most definitely not the right time.

Dreenk, iz natural spreeng vater
Dreenk, iz natural spreeng vater

In the meantime, at the docks, Kim has managed to escape her captors by using the old 'scalding coffee in the face' ruse, which is surely the oldest trick in the book and the first thing they teach you at Evil Henchmen School. Kim then jumps into the water and somehow swims to safety underwater with the Drazens firing at her all the while. This seems pretty implausible to me, especially given that her hands are tied together the whole time.

Only one hour left, and no reappearance for Mandy the lesbian assassin - so here's a bonus pic, just in case
Only one hour left, and no reappearance for Mandy the lesbian assassin - so here's a bonus pic, just in case

Nina gives her best bad guy pose, and this time it's for real ...And finally this week, while the Drazens are wondering what to do after losing Kim, Andre receives a call from someone called 'Yelena'. Speaking in Serbian, the caller tells them that Palmer is not dead and that Jack is trying to fool them. But who could this mystery informer be? The camera pans back... Oh no, it's Nina!

Blimey three bona-fide, episode ending, shocks in one week. I don't think I can take much more of this. Only one hour 'til midnight (wasn't that a song once?)!

Stupid things this episode: If the Drazens really believed that Jack's 'assassination' of Palmer was successful, why'd they assume he would've been allowed to leave the Senator's hotel? Surely, he would've been arrested for bringing the bomb in?

Top 10 defining moments from 24:
(it would have been 24 but I can't think of that many and I'm sure you don't want to read that many)
1. Jack falling asleep at 11am, and his eyes blinking as he desperately tries to stay awake.
2. Jack shooting Nina while she had the bullet-proof vest on.
3. Janet York, after finally escaping being shot, drugged, run over and kidnapped; is killed in hospital by the man who'd been masquerading as her 'dad' for the past four hours.
4. Teri having amnesia for three hours. What would TV producers do without soap-opera plot devices?
5. Jack shooting his boss, George Mason, with a tranquillizer gun, and Mason later basically forgiving him.
6. Kim's spirited but entirely unconvincing tirade against Melanie in the police cell.
7. Mandy the assassin, and everything she did.
8. The completely unexpected appearance of Dennis Hopper as Victor Drazen. Oh yeah, and his stupid 'accent'.
9. The appearance of Lou Diamond Phillips, the man with the blackest hair on television.
10. Ted Cofell and, for that matter, Nina, revealing their Serbian backgrounds.

Tuesday, 13 August, 2002 @ 10.34pm GMT
Posted by Aneurin
Touch Of Midnight

Touch Of Midnight Regular readers may have noticed that this review is extremely late. Well the reason is that I honestly could not bear visiting this site more than the once. Really, to go back and get pictures for you people was not pleasant, although at least now you get to see some of the choicer examples.

Unlike some sites I have looked at, the subject here is not immediately obvious, so I'd better get it out of the way. This is disabled porn, or as they put it, "by the disabled, for the disabled".

This site does not merit many laughs, but possibly the most amusing thing about it is not the models themselves, but their names. Their names are crap. The generic moniker 'Kitten' is probably the best you can expect, whilst another is bizarrely just called 'Erotica'. The best name on this site though has to be Eletricia, clearly borne out of the fine tradition of nonsensically elaborate names in the 'glamour industry'.

I am ELETRICIA I will charge you up with hot galleries filled with sensual and sexy poses to make every admirer light up. I am a small woman of 3ft 5 inches of high energy and excitement.

Touch Of Midnight

Well, that as maybe. But you also look like the most terrifying doll ever invented.

A strange aspect of this site is the "Models Wanted" section, which rather than being a free for all, demands that prospective models must have a "very attractive face" which makes you wonder how all the others slipped through the net.

Touch Of Midnight The worst thing about Touch Of Midnight though, is not the models, but the 'admirers' it is here for, who you just know are not themselves disabled, and who pay frankly extortionate prices for these appalling pictures. $87 for 16 pictures, anyone?

In addition, if you are sadistic enough to read the biographies of each model, you'll find that this site is not only retarded, but doesn't even feel to be bound by anything approaching reality, resulting in some of the stupidest logic I think I have ever seen.

I'm a quadriplegic that is a very high pledgic technically I can still use my arms.

God, this is depressing. The only model here who actually smiles is the blind one, draw your own conclusions from that. In fact 'Erotica's' section is the only part of this website that seems like it could be something approaching normality or decency.

Touch Of Midnight My name is Erotica. I'm in my early 30's and enjoy life in the southern part of Texas. I'm blind due to a rare form of cancer known as Retina Blastoma. Due to my blindness I like to explore my other senses in sensual and erotic ways. I have never let my disability keep me from having fun or doing things that others thought I couldn't or shouldn't do.

I have tried, and very much enjoy body art, as well as many outdoor activities, especially at clothing optional resorts. I have many good friends and have formed many special and close relationships, and have no regrets in life whatsoever!

Aww, how heartwarming, you think. And then, you scroll down and see this.

Touch Of Midnight

Next week: Celine Dreams

Monday, 12 August, 2002 @ 7.01pm EST
Posted by Magneta
How to sexually please a woman

How to please a woman Alright, I feel this could be the most important piece of work I have ever written. This issue is far more stressing to 51% of the human population than any other issue presented to them thus far.

How to sexually please a woman will be a simple piece. Sexual Pleasure is not like Twister. It is not a difficult task, it does not require money, or power or a yoga instructor. The only thing it does require is a little bit of effort and something larger than disgustingly small genitals, or malformed hands.

First, find a woman willing to be pleased by your sorry self.

Alright, there are some rules to finding a woman. Hopefully anyone over the age of 16 knows these rules. If not, I'll give you a brief summary.
1. You have to smell good. Whether that means soap smell, or cologne smell, it has to be good. Try to stay away from cheap cologne, most women that are decent will be able to tell that you spent $6 on a bottle of cologne and the rest on fried chicken. So, if you don't have much money, I say, stay with soap. Something like Coast, or Irish Spring.
2. You have to look like you smell good. So if you spent 40 minutes in the shower but put on wrinkly baggy clothes and didn't brush your hair, you'll give the impression that you smell bad.
3. Be real, don't sit there and talk about how good you are at this, or how good you are at that, or how much money you have. Dave started to do that, and I stopped him right away, it makes me physically ill. Besides I have more money than he does, so I win.

Simple rules, alright. So you have the girl, be nice, buy her dinner, eventually (or right away, depending on what kind of whore you picked up) you will be lead into the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen, etc., anything with a flat service to deliver the binding element of your relationship. The sex. Now, no woman expects you to be fantastic the first time, at least they shouldn't. Because men usually cum 15 seconds after you undo their pants, intercourse or not. But be ready to go again in about ten minutes, because if I met a woman that could cum in 15 seconds she would be my mentor. So we'll completely forget the first go round based on the fact that men are stupid and easily excitable. Now, keep in mind the second go round should take some time, I'm talking like up to 45 minutes (praise Jesus). In this time there should be a variety of positions, but (this is VERY important) if you move into a position and there is a grimace on your partner's face, and she becomes very silent, I suggest you change the position quickly. Grimaces and silence are never a good sign. Chances are you will not come into contact with a woman that can orgasm from penetration alone on your first go soooooooooo....... Clitoral stimulation is a must. A MUST. No matter what the position, always try to wriggle your fingers to that general area and give it a fiddle now and then. Mind you if you are sitting on the floor or a couch and she's facing you, she can probably mash her bits against your pubic bone for long enough for some enjoyment. Now pace isn't necessarily important unless she's going up and you're going down at the wrong times. Just try not to bruise her with your swinging testicles, fast and hard is good but you need to build up to it.

Now after 45 minutes or so, and your partner is still not enjoying herself, but you have enjoyed yourself to the fullest, you need to service her, like the cheap concubine that you are. That involves giving face. Now the number one problem I find with men giving sexual aids besides intercourse is, they're too rough with their hands and too gentle with the tongue. And no matter what anyone else tells you about this subject, variety is good yes, but constant and consistent is the money shot. We're looking for release here, it isn't your wedding night, you aren't making sweet sweet love, you're both trying to get off. And don't try any weird stuff, make sure you get written fucking permission before shoving your finger up her ass.

Sunday, 11 August, 2002 @ 7.40pm EST
Posted by Magneta

Every now and again Magneta foolishly decides to get a boyfriend. And every now and again Magneta decides that she will fall in love with this boyfriend (yes, it's a decision, like what to have for dinner). Now, everytime Magneta gets this boyfriend, said boyfriend always has a problem with cheating, because of course he was burned by his previous girlfriends who left him for the Italian pool boy or something equally ridiculous. Now, as intelligent and charming and witty that Magneta is, she can never seem to come up with a way to make said boyfriend understand that, instead of cheating on boys, Magneta likes to leave boys for other boys. Because she is a horrible liar. So I have come up with a list of things NOT to say when you have a boyfriend who is suffering from severe neurosis.

1. Never, ever, ever tell said boyfriend about great sex you had with the last boyfriend. Especially if that last boyfriend is still trying to get into your pants and lives next door.
2. Never, ever, ever tell said boyfriend about a sexual position you would like to try. Current boyfriend will always assume this relates to #1.
3. Never, ever, ever make jokes about leaving current boyfriend for another man, even if this other man is the rich old guy that owns the abandoned mansion behind your house.
4. Never, ever, ever say that you want to marry a celebrity, even if the celebrity is a wonderful actor (Edward Norton).
5. Never, ever, ever say that you had a sexual fantasy with a celebrity. For some reason, men cannot differentiate between real people and not so real people. When a man envisions himself with a celebrity, he can see it as actually happening. And as hot as Magneta is, and I'm sure Ed Norton wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me, I know that I would never actually sleep with him.
6. Never be too friendly around current boyfriend's friends. FACT: most girls that cheat on their boyfriends will cheat with one of his friends. Whorish girls usually date in circles.
7. Never laugh, smile, giggle, sigh, or anything possibly easy to misconstrue as pleasure when someone hits on you.
8. Never act like getting hit on is no big deal, because it is a big deal. Men should be happy that their girlfriends get hit on, but they aren't. Period.
9. Never, ever, ever, ever buy new fancy underpants and not tell them about it, and then go out to the bar with your friends.
10. Never smoke pot with a male friend. Dave (Magneta's boyfriend) is obsessed with Magneta's male friends, mostly because Magneta's male friends are potheads and like to shower cuddly attention on Magneta when she's baked.
11. Never, ever, ever show that you care when a girl is hitting on your boyfriend. Currently Dave has been getting naked attention from this girl Kim. Kim is a dirty hooker and if I saw her in an alley I would brutally beat her. But Dave doesn't know this. I nod and shake my head at the appropriate time when Dave speaks of her. Yesterday, Dave and I were having sex on my couch and she called in the middle of it. So Magneta wanted him to talk to her while they were fucking. Of course, Dave declined.
12. And last, but certainly not least, never ever ever, get caught touching, smiling, laughing, kissing or hugging a man that is not related to you, or heterosexual and in some cases homosexual.

You must understand, men are retarded. They want a hot girlfriend that everyone thinks is hot, but no-one talks to. They want a socially fit girlfriend that never laughs at some dumbass' jokes. This does not happen. Until Magneta comes up with a way to make men smart and understanding, she will have to follow the rules.

Saturday, 10 August, 2002 @ 11.20pm GMT
Posted by Aneurin
24 Countdown - 9pm

Wow, this was a great episode, possibly one of the best since 12pm in fact. The whole plot is coming together, and I love it. So what did we learn? Well, firstly, it turns out Jack's claim that CTU have Alexis Drazen wasn't a ruse to keep himself alive, as I thought, because Alexis is not dead and is in hospital after his stabbing. Oops. Anyway, Victor Drazen calls CTU and offers Jack in exchange for his son, Alexis.

Meanwhile Senator Palmer is giving a speech because he has won this election doo-daa; I guess the Republican candidate must have been some sort of unelectable psycho. Cheering him on is Patty the aide, who has had her hair cut and put on a party dress, despite having been speaking to Palmer - long haired and suited up - only five minutes previously, "When did you have time do all this?" Palmer asks her later, referring to her work. I've no idea, but I did see a Michael Keaton film once where he made clones of himself to do all his work. Yes, that'll be it.

It all makes sense now
It all makes sense now

But what's this? Sherry Palmer, the ruthlessly ambitious wife of the good Senator, is aware of Patty's flirting, and indeed, is egging her on! What could she be up to? Palmer seems unaware and invites Patty upstairs where he flirts with her some more. Don't do it Mr. Senator! It's a trap!

At CTU, George Mason finds out he is not authorised to trade Alexis for Jack, and tells Nina that CTU see him as expendable. Nina decides to go and tell this to Teri Bauer, which prompts her into hysterics again. I don't know why they don't just sedate her or something, and in any case, why is Teri, a civilian, allowed to wander freely around the supposedly 'top-secret' CTU, and even able to storm into the director's office to give him an earful about abandoning Jack.

Anyway, something needs to be done if Jack is to be saved and so Nina phones Senator Palmer at his victory party and asks him to pull some strings. Palmer, to his credit, finally decides to stop his noble act and phones Mason and persuades him to make the trade anyway in return for a cushy job when he becomes President.

Palmer: "You'll be reprimanded. Possibly even demoted."
Mason: "So far it sounds great. What if you don't get elected?"
Palmer: "That won't happen."

Something really good I've been wanting to mention over the past few weeks of 24 is the character played by Xander Berkeley. Now, Xander is one of those actors who you don't really know but who turn in loads of films, including favourites like Shanghai Noon and Gattaca. But that's not important, the point is that Xander Berkeley is great here as the cynically laconic CTU chief George Mason, and has the best put-down lines in the whole series, including the classic to Nina: "Picking up Almeida on the rebound? What's that all about?"

Mason gives his best bad guy pose, but we like him too much for him to be evil
Mason gives his best bad guy pose, but we like him too much for him to be evil

Meanwhile, Jack has been taken to the Drazen's hideout, which is no doubt located somewhere within ten minutes driving time of CTU headquarters. It actually turns out to be some sort of Serbian restaurant and Victor Drazen eats his Borsch, leers at the waitress and laughs at Jack.

Mila the Serbian waitress, she wasn't smiling for long
Mila the Serbian waitress, she wasn't smiling for long

Jack attempts to escape by taking the waitress hostage with a knife, but as Jack backs out of the room, Drazen shoots her! When her father, the chef, gets upset, Drazen shoots him too! Proof, if proof were needed, that Victor is a genuine baddie.

In the meantime, Mason is making the Alexis/Jack trade, and the Serbians tell him they have Kim, which completely throws off Mason despite the fact that CTU knew that Kim had been re-kidnapped since at least 9:20pm, once more showing the staggering incompetence of this 'elite' intelligence agency.

At the other end of the trade, Jack is tied up to some pipes in an oil field and left alone, only guarded by a sniper who will shoot him if he tries to escape.

Back with Mason, Alexis is handed over and allowed to leave, the terrorists say they will give them Jack's location when they have left the area. Mason is pissed off (actually, he's always pissed off), and is forced to let them go.

Meanwhile Jack is still standing in the field, wondering what to do. Suddenly a shot is fired and Jack's handcuffs have been shot off! A phone in his pocket rings and he is told to drive away in a nearby vehicle. What could be going on? Another great 24 cliffhanger, that's what.

And finally, Kim spends the entire episode gagged with electrical tape and left in the Serbian hideout. Ha ha. At least she can't get into any more trouble that way. Here's a pic for all the Kim fans disappointed with her absence this episode.

Kim shows us why the terrorists have been so keen to get ahold of her all day
Kim shows us why the terrorists have been so keen to get ahold of her all day

Stupid things this episode: When did Patty the aide get time to have a haircut? Seriously, she didn't even have time to get changed in the five minutes since we last saw her. Real-time drama my ass.



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